Anarchic Academic

Gut instinct is not enough when one is crafting a project that could outline the future for research and work. I am frustrated by this. Writing, as an art form, yes, it flows easily... but when I have to put might behind my words, when I have to defend, that is a different subject entirely.

The art of academic writing is to not stand on the fence, and also not dive too deeply in. Better to define the boat you would like to catch you as you spring into the waters of academia. I think at times, I tread water, and stay on the periphery of knowing quite how to do this.

Truly, I am an anarchic academic. I did not define myself ever as having the material within myself to do this. Master's thesis, PhD outlines, the questions and queries of a mind for research. Rather, I carry that rebellious rock-star quality still, and at times it trips me up and over my own intent.

I knew I sealed my fate the day I entered a heated debate about a kid I knew who was defined as 'ADHD'. I remember the moment when I said out loud, to the whole room, in my nice and demanding way: If it takes me getting a PhD, I will do whatever I can to defend these kids!

Now I am on the path, and wondering, what did I get myself into?

How did an artist, a singer, dancer, a dreamer, end up on this trans-academic highway?

I am a reluctant academic, yet some things come easy. Analysis is in my blood... ask my family how critical I can be! But arguing, proving a point, I quickly defer and retreat, would rather be the one to support another person's meaning. How can I learn to stand on my own two feet in the arena that so often defeated me in my upbringing?

My art teacher in high school guided me through two Cambridge exams by pissing me off- daily. He said, you work better angry.

Now I need to fuel the fire of my drive in order to enter this field of academia and survive. How can I engage the flame inside and use it to push my performance to new heights?